For the Love of All that is Good, Do Your Mental Health a Favor and JUST SAY NO.

DISCLAIMER: No, I’m not a representative of the once-implemented D.A.R.E. program. No, this post does not involve “saying no” to drugs of any kind. Although, I wouldn’t object to “saying no” to those as well.

To start, ALL PEOPLE PLEASERS PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND. Y ’all can’t see behind the screen, but my hand is up; it’s up high. I was absolutely a “yes man.” I would immediately reply to a favor a friend would ask, any task that a coworker requested that I do, and anyone that needed to vent or talk with a “sure,” “yeah, no problem” or “mhm, I’ll make it work.” It was AUTOMATIC, no matter how much I already had on my plate.

I remember one night when I was in college, I had 2 tough exams the following morning (thank you very much, ochem and bio professors). In the afternoon, my lab supervisor randomly texted me to request that I stop into the lab for 2-3 hours. I guess someone had gotten sick and couldn’t help with the lab experiment that needed to happen that evening. Without thinking, “yep, sure” slipped out of my mouth, and I was suddenly changing directions from the library to lab. Finally, at about 8PM, I was on my way home to grab a bite to eat and head to the library. I received a phone call from a friend who was going through a breakup. “Do you have time to talk?” she asked. My reply? “Yep, I have a few minutes.” She bawled and bawled and bawled and finally two hours later I was off the phone. I wanted to be empathetic, an active listener and a good friend, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the exams I needed to study for. It was 11PM by the time I ate and got to the library. I finished my studying at about 4:30AM and was on my way home to get a few hours of sleep before my 8:50AM class. Feeling exhausted and drained was an understatement. I found myself in scenarios similar to these more often times than not.

The ONE FACE of a people pleaser. Photo extracted from Google Images. URL: https://2l90qdgid4-flywheel.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/faces1.jpg

To me, the word “no” was off limits. It was forbidden. To even think about saying it felt shameful. I would be dragging myself through the day on four hours of sleep, sacrificing my study time, time with family, time with friends, and my time to do things that I enjoy because I was afraid that refusing a request would make me a terrible friend, terrible lab member, terrible student, terrible coworker or terrible person.

THEN.

.

.

.

IT happened.

.

.

.

Dramatic enough yet? Too much? Oh well.

.

.

Tuesday morning in my therapy session, I had an epiphany. I learned that my needs and wants are important too. What do we get if we give all of our time away? Correct!! Absolutely no time at all. It’s really that simple. No time to enjoy ourselves. No time to take care of ourselves. No time to discover or be ourselves. We don’t get time to grow in our 20s, explore new hobbies, or check off items on our YOLO bucket list. We may be multiple people’s best friend or the Employee of the Month, but what does that matter if we’re tired, drained, exhausted, and unrecognizable looking in our own damn mirror. My therapist surprised me with a statement. She said, “you aren’t going out of your way to do all of these things for others without a reward. Your “people-pleaser reward” is that you feel like a good person and worth something. It’s not a completely unselfish act, so why not be selfish at times by doing things that you actually enjoy doing. You can learn who you are and improve your self-confidence and self-worth in this way.” I love her. I love her. I love her, I love her, I love her. For me and my experiences, she was spot on.

Does this mean we should always say no and only care about ourselves? Most definitely not. No. Nonononono. It means we need to work on setting healthy limits with our coworkers, friends, family, etc. It means that we need to pause for a minute when someone asks us for something, rationally assess how much we can take on at that time (emphasis on RATIONALLY), and proceed with our best interest in mind.

This is truly a game-changer. I mean, really. I was terrified to take more time for myself at first, but I’ve found that I’ve had more energy, been happier, more efficient, brighter, and have better focus and connection when spending time with my friends, family and at work. Learning how to take time for ourselves takes practice, assertiveness, and confidence, but it is so worth it.

My goal for the week is to continue to set healthy limits with friends and at work. I strive to do things for myself such as workout, meal prep, blog, read, and avoid being that one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people-pleaser. No, I did not write this blog just so I could say that. However, I was most definitely not going to leave it out once the seed was planted. Hell, I even am making time to check things off my bucket list (going SKYDIVING May 4th!! Whoop, whoop!). While I know that this may feel uncomfortable at first, I know that this will give me time to try things on my bucket list, time to relax, and allow me to provide better focus, energy, and empathy when I am helping others.

Have a wonderful week,

Jen

2 thoughts on “For the Love of All that is Good, Do Your Mental Health a Favor and JUST SAY NO.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s